The Quarantine Stream: 'Battleship' Is A Terrible Movie That's Somehow Very Watchable

The Quarantine Stream: ‘Battleship’ Is A Terrible Movie That’s Somehow Very Watchable

(Welcome toThe Quarantine Stream, a series where the /Film team shares what they’ve been watching while social distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic.)The Movie:BattleshipWhere You Can Stream It:HBO MaxThe Pitch:Remember the classic boardgameBattleship? Well, they turned it into a movie. About an alien invasion.Why It’s Essential Quarantine Viewing:There is absolutely nothing essential aboutBattleship, but I promise you won’t be bored.

It takes effort to make a movie as thunderously stupid asBattleship. There’s an old adage that no one sets out to make abadmovie, and I think that’s fair. Nearly every bad movie you’ve ever seen was made, at least on some level, with the best possible intentions. Someone, somewhere, be it a screenwriter, producer, or a director, had a dream and set out to turn it into a reality. And somewhere along the line, the dream became a nightmare, and the finished film ended up disappointing everyone. It happens.

But I think an exception can be made forBattleship. I genuinely believe someone, somewhere, decided to make a bad movie here. Or at least astupidmovie. And they succeeded!Battleshipis a production of Hasbro Studios, and Hasbro is also responsible for theTransformersfilms. Critics had nothing but unkind words for theTransformersflicks, but it didn’t matter – those movies blew up the box office. And the folks at Hasbro said, “Well, what can we do next to make even more money?”

The answer wasBattleship. And Hasbro wassofixed on theTransformersmodel that they more or less decided to makeBattleshipaTransformersmovie. It has the same teal and orange color scheme as those movies, and it has the same amounts of mayhem – scenes where globs of CGI metal smash and crash their way through buildings and other structures, resulting in huge digital fireballs and ear-shattering explosions.

But for all ofTransformersfaults, most of those films had the guidance of Mr. Michael Bay. And while Bay is a flawed filmmaker, he understands style. The same can’t be said forPeter Berg, who directsBattleship. In Berg’s defense, his action scenes are a lot more coherent than the stuff Bay does in theTransformersmovies. But so what? All that action still adds up to nothing. It’s a zero-sum game.

The plot, such as it is, involves hot-shot Navy guy Alex Hopper, as played by human voidTaylor Kitsch. He more or less gets bullied into joining the Navy by his brother, Commander Stone Hopper, played byAlexander Skarsgård. That’s right, the character’s name isStone Hopper. Oh, and Alex wants to marry the girl of his dreams, Samantha, played byBrooklyn Decker, a performer who has even less charisma than Kitsch, if such a thing is even possible. And wouldn’t ya know it, Samantha’s dad is a big Navy commander, played byLiam Neeson, who isreallyphoning it in here.

Any-hoo, aliens crash into the sea and now the Navy has to fight them. The aliens shoot missiles that look just like the pegs from theBattleshipgame. And at one point, our heroes have to use a big screen to chart the alien’s locations, just like the grid one uses when playing the game. It’s lazy, it’s stupid, it’s kind of amazing. Now, let me break down for you some stuff that happens inBattleship.

Rihannais in this movie! She plays a character named Cora Raikes, but I’m pretty sure no one calls her by her name. Also: she wears a baseball hat the entire movie. And I mean theentiremovie. There’s a scene where she falls into the water and deliberately holds the hat onto her head. No goddamn aliens are going to remove Rihanna’s hat, thank you!

Liam Neeson’s character shows up in the beginning and then leaves, only to show up at the very end as if to remind us all he’s part of the cast and to remind the producers he deserves a paycheck. A youngJesse Plemonsplays the “funny guy,” and if you thought Jesse Plemons could not give a bad performance, I urge you to watchBattleship.

There are multiple product-placements for Subway.

We actuallyseethe aliens in the movie, and they basically look like humans with weird fingers and quills shooting out of their chins that make them resemble Abe Lincoln.

Did I already mention there’s a character named Stone Hopper? I’ll mention it again: there’s a character named Stone Hopper. And poor Stone dies early in this film – via explosion. His brother watches him explode, but because Taylor Kitsch stinks so much he doesn’t show even a trace of emotion.

And are there multiple AC/DC needle-drops in this bad boy? You fucking know it.

All of this may sound like I’mnotrecommendingBattleship. But here’s the thing: I watch movies while I’m using my elliptical machine, and I’ve found that I can’t watchgoodmovies while I exercise. Because whenever I try, I find myself distracted by the movie. So instead of giving it my all and working up a sweat, I’m half-assing things to pay close attention to the screen. But if I put on a piece of grade-A garbage likeBattleship, I’m ready to go the distance.

So here’s my recommendation to you, reader: if you’re looking for disposable junk to while away the hours during some unpleasant task, you may’t go wrong withBattleship. Otherwise, please, watch something better.